Busting Ours To Save Yours

I enjoy reading cars. When you see a sticker on one, it means that someone identified enough with the sentiment to take the time to buy it and place it on their vehicle. I saw a sticker on a truck a few weeks ago that read ‘Busting Ours To Save Yours.’ Of course meaning ‘busting our ass to save your ass.’ I didn’t need to explain that did I? I’ve tried to find an image of the sticker on the internet but can’t. Doesn’t matter.

My first thought was if you’re going to go on about how big of a hassle it is to save my ass then don’t bother. Furthermore, I don’t think this is the mindset of most emergency workers, volunteer or paid. From my experience, they're pretty good people.

But listen, if I’m ever in an accident, having a heart attack or whatever, I’ll certainly welcome any help from almost anyone offering it. However, if you’re one of these assholes, and I’ve met a few, who’s a little bit better than Joe Public ‘cause you’re saving the world-don’t bother. Don’t trouble yourself. Don’t bust your ass for me.

… then again, on second thought, if I’m bleeding to death or choking to death while auto erotically asphyxiating myself, go ahead. Feel free to bust yours.

What I Want for Christmas

-is this railroad bicycle or tricycle if you count that little bitty wheel (click on the image to enlarge). Note that the man at far right appears jealous-if that's the case I don't blame him. This has to be one of the coolest machines ever built. Period uniforms with boots too. If you got me this for Christmas I would be very careful. It would teach me responsibility. I wouldn’t bike the rails willy-nilly just to impress women. I’d use my bike constructively - for good, not evil. I would fight crime with it (provided the crime took place very near or on a railroad) and make you proud. Who knows, it might be you that I help. You may find yourself a victim of an attempted robbery or some unspeakable molestation. I could be there to apprehend these criminals (as long as they fled along a railroad track). By the way, I’d need a police scanner and night vision goggles, maybe a taser and some snacks. I’ll need handcuffs too. You see, I’ve thought this out. Well thank you in
advance and Merry Christmas.

Profannery

Mom invented a new word to describe some foul language she heard coming out of her television set recently. She referred to it as profannery. I googled this new word and got only one result so I’m going to credit mom with inventing it. My mom reads, has always worked crossword puzzles and is quite literate. She knows words I’ve never heard of but like a lot of older people she finds it hard, at least on some subconscious level, to utter any word that deals with sex. On rare occasions the effort to do so mangles syllables, mixes letters, and combines words resulting in a new word. Sometimes the result sounds even nastier than the more correct synonym. An example of this is my all time favorite word mom invented – Pedifeeler. Of course it means pedophile and it actually makes sense once you think about it. Go mom. There’s also the classic prevert that we’ve all heard. Mom has used prono (of course meaning porno) but I don’t think she invented that one, I’ll have to ask her. The funniest and most bizarre example of a mangled word I’ve heard was used repeatedly by a preacher I knew when I was a kid. He literally could not say the word sex. From time to time he would talk about how awful it was that these here young people were out there having sec. Even with the power of Jesus, he could not bring himself to pronounce the very last sound in the word sex. It was as if he were choking on the word itself. As a teenager this was freaking funny to listen to but it’d make me wonder - just who were these young people, where was out there and why wasn’t I with them? Then, as now, I wouldn’t mind having a little sec.

My Relationship With the Kennedy Family

With the passing of Eunice and Ted Kennedy recently I feel compelled to recount my own special relationship with the Kennedy Family.

Years ago I was flying from Worcester Massachusetts to Philadelphia. I was flying in a small commuter plane and had an aisle seat. Directly across the aisle I noticed a member of the Kennedy family sitting there. Cool I thought. I wanted to talk to him but small planes like that are very loud and it’s difficult to carry on a conversation so I didn’t try. Plus I’m sure if I’d waded into a real conversation about politics or whatever with someone like that, he’d realize I was an ignorant bumpkin, which I is.

When I got back I told a friend that I’d sat beside a Kennedy on a plane. They asked the obvious question-‘Which Kennedy?’ Well, I honestly didn’t know. The guy looked like a Kennedy though and that’s what I said. I answered: ‘ … uh … well, he looked like a Kennedy.’ At that point my friend did the obvious thing and laughed. A few weeks later however I was vindicated. There was a TV documentary telling what the children of JFK’s generation were up to and the guy I say across from was the assistant district attorney of Philadelphia. I can’t remember his name now but I had indeed sat next to, or at least across the aisle from a Kennedy. That’s pretty much my relationship with the Kennedy Dynasty.

Speaking of the Kennedys and to be serious for a moment, I was watching Ted Kennedy’s funeral procession and wondered if most news channels were broadcasting it. I flipped through the channels a bit and they all seemed to be. I was a bit curious as to what Fox News might say about the passing of the ‘Liberal Lion.’ They’d have the good sense to be respectful wouldn’t they? Well, as soon as I turned the channel I heard them wondering aloud about Ted Kennedy meeting the criteria to be interred at Arlington. I had only been watching a few seconds and heard this. Honestly. Of course they preceded their comments with phrases such as ‘Some say that’ and ‘others say’ to appear that they were ‘simply reporting’ what someone else said and wouldn’t sound quite as disrespectful. You may or may not like him but there is no real debate as to whether or not Ted Kennedy can be buried in Arlington Cemetery. Those unbiased, fair and balanced people at Fox News couldn’t resist slighting the man as he is being drawn to his grave.

What incredible assholes.

I am biased, I liked Ted Kennedy. The one thing I really liked about him was that regardless of its demonization over the past 30 years, he embraced the word ‘Liberal.’ He didn’t cower away from it as does pretty much every other ‘progressive’ politician does now. In the end he was human. He had his flaws but allowing himself to be bullied into shunning the characterization of ‘liberal’ wasn’t one of them.

Bataan Death March of Milkshakes

Sometimes I don’t quite believe things that come out of my TV. I’m not talking about nudity, violence or strong language. Those things I do quite believe and I'm usually fine with. A few weeks ago (honestly-I’m not making this up) Maureen O’Boyle was reading the news from a teleprompter on Channel 3 and she spouted out that someone was “seriously killed.” Then the other day I was watching Man Vs Food and the host Adam Richman was attempting to drink 15 (I think) milkshakes. He failed and immediately afterwards said that it was the “Bataan Death March of Milkshakes.” Maybe it was the brain-freeze but considering the commonly known history of starvation and cruelty of what was known as The Bataan Death March, that was an incredibly stupid thing to say. Think about it. If you want, you can click here to see what Wikipedia has to say about the wacky shenanigans that went on. I normally like this guy as we share a love of food but that was a stupid thing to say. I googled around to see if anyone else heard him and commented on it but couldn’t find anything. Ironically I did find this excerpt from the book Bataan Death March by William E. Dyess, Charles Leavelle and Stanley Lawrence Falk:

Our talks about food sometimes drove us crazy. I recall one agonizing session that had to do with chocolate milkshakes. I said if I could have all the thick milkshakes I could drink I would give five hundred dollars for them. This seemed to hit the spot with the others. Our misery descended to new depths.

Remember When Perverted Uncles Were Funny?

Boy I do. I’m talking about the Buck Henry character Uncle Roy from the late 70s Saturday Night Live. If you’ll remember, Uncle Roy would babysit (I’m assuming) his nieces played by Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman. He would take pictures of them in provocative poses and they and their parents were too naïve to realize what he was really up to. Good ole fashioned ‘passive molestation’ is guess is what you could call it. The girls enjoyed the horsey rides, digging for presents from Roy’s pockets and sliding down backwards polishing the banister and Roy, well he enjoyed himself too. Usually the parents showed up earlier than expected ending Uncle Roy’s photo sessions. I remember a skit where he was pretending to be a dog and the girls promised to give him a flea bath next time he watched them. Funny sick stuff.

This skit would go nowhere nowadays. Strangely enough, given the sexual mores of the 70s, I think people were somehow freer to do some things then than now. Growing up I remember X-rated theatres everywhere back then. Sexuality was more open and even sexual perversion could be funny. This changed by the late 80s with Reagan, aids and Falwell. Now entertainment in general has changed even more into the yin of politically correct hypersensitivity and the yang of the constant deluge of South Park style, anything goes, edgy, sensory overloaded, shock comedy. If they tried to resurrect an Uncle Roy type character, it would either be criticized to the point of removal or it would have to be made ‘edgy.’ By ‘edgy’ I mean rendered in Claymation, Roy doing unspeakable full uncle on niece penetration with Roy’s impaling clay penis exploding through Laraine’s eye socket and he’d probably make a ‘woman suit’ out of Gilda. Perhaps this would be funny but in a shock valued way only.

I know I know I know! - of course I’m not condoning molestation even ‘passive molestation.’ And if your uncle did something to you that he shouldn't have, well, I'm sorry. I’m just pointing out the fact that in another, more innocent time, Buck Henry made it funny, really funny.

And who was ole Roy really hurting anyways? Then again, who knows what that flea bath would’ve lead to?

The Vortex Cabaret

I hardly ever get out of the house, but when I do I try to do something special. In my never ending quest to be a renaissance man, I attended what I would call a fringe variety show entitled The Vortex Cabaret at The Boiler Room in Asheville, North Carolina. This show is managed by the Reverend Johnny Lemuria. Aside from his myspace presence, I think he runs the website http://pleasuresaucer.com.

I’m not a very social person, I’m not much for striking up conversations with strangers so I would’ve liked to have gone there with a friend but ended up going alone. As usual, I gave myself way too much time to get there fearing getting lost and showed up way way too early. I ended up walking around town and showing up at The Boiler Room long before the show started. It was a little awkward knowing no one and being older than just about everybody else there. The most awkward moment for me occurred when I attempted to merge into a conversation between who I later found out was Sister Discordia and some guy. She is actually one of my myspace friends although, like most myspace friends, I’ve never communicated with her other than sending the initial friend request. I ambled over to them and definitely got within earshot of their conversation. I waited for a break in the conversation prepared to butt in nicely with some disarmingly humorous remark. It never came. I continued standing there saying nothing. At some point I’m sure it became rude of me but I figured the only way out was to wait for a pause and talk. It never came and they both walked away. My life is made up of these awkward moments, sometimes multiple overlapping awkward moments. I’m used to it. People usually remember the happiest or saddest moments of events in their lives. I, for some reason, always remember the most awkward moments like that time I walked into a woman’s restroom on a business trip to Baltimore 20 years ago. I am The King of Awkwardness. Awkwardus Rex.

When this Vortex Cabaret finally started pulling out of the station. It consisted of 5 acts: 2 musical, 1 standup, 1 puppetry (yes, puppetry) and 1 burlesque. 'Forrest' was up first. This was the first of 2 musical acts. It consisted of 4 or 5 young men playing with some electronic gadgets and singing incoherently while shaking, rolling around or just laying on the floor. I like to think I know something about experimental electronic music. I used to listen to Brian Eno and Kraftwerk when I was in high school. I couldn’t quite appreciate this first act though but I’ll consider this my failure, not theirs.

Next up was the aforementioned Sister Discordia. She was up for just a few minutes and gave a quick drug and sex related rant that the audience seemed to relate to. This is where I realized that only geographically was I a local. She’s apparently a stranger to subtlety and nuance but was entertaining. I liked her. Sister Discordia was a short plump woman who wore a short hound’s tooth patterned dress. During the evening I kept noticing her and finally realized I was somewhat attracted to her. I wanted to squeeze her. Like a zit. A juicy wonderfully plump little foul mouthed sexy zit.

After her ranting was 'Madison.' He was a puppeteer and this honestly was the best part of the show. Obviously this guy put a lot of time into his craft. He had I guess what I'd call 'goth' styled puppets and mingled with the audience.

After Madison was another music act, Elisa Faires and some guy-the act was billed as 'Elisa Faires & Co.' at http://pleasuresaucer.com. I don’t really know what you’d call this. 'Performance art' is too much of an umbrella term but that'll have to do. This is a video of Elisa Faires. They were singing/making incoherent noises and playing some conventional musical instruments unconventionally. Their hearts were into it. I really hate saying something was 'interesting' but it was interesting. I was sitting there during their performance, taking it in and it made me wonder, do you have to have a certain defined appreciation to, well, appreciate this? If you don't/can't appreciate it, should you, just to be polite if nothing else, sit there and stare thoughtfully? No, that's dishonest. Was it symbolic and was I just not getting it? After a few minutes I was really trying hard to 'get it' and then she put on a horned mask and started tap dancing while singing and yelling. I finally laughed-almost orgasmically. I say 'orgasmically' because to my shame, I’d gotten tickled early on and the urge to laugh had been building. I had finally noticed someone else laughing and their domino hit my domino...

After some laughing I had a fun-sized-epiphany. Maybe I was approaching this all wrong. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but perhaps laughter was ok and even expected. Why hold back my emotions when they definitely were not holding back their guttural feelings. Seriously. Appropriate or inappropriate, maybe the audience’s reaction isn’t outside the scope of the performance. Perhaps the performance never ended and this write up part is part of it. Maybe I’m still thinking about it way too much. If nothing else you can tell it messed with my head and sometimes it's fun to have your head messed with.

Lastly was burlesque from 'Theatre de Fetiche.' It was funny because this was when I noticed people starting to come back in from outside. It was cute, a little amateurish but classy, no exposed nipples or genitals and no donkeys.

Two or three times during the show the Reverend Johnny Lemuria, read from a good book I don’t pretend to know anything about. The audio wasn't the best so I caught bits and pieces. Evidently a captain of local industry, he's proposing establishing a local currency. I'd love to see those metal drink can tabs become currency because I have a whole bag of them. According to The Reverend's website 'The Vortex Cabaret' is an ongoing bi-weekly event at the Boiler Room in Asheville. The next show is July 29th I believe. Although some of it was a bit amateurish and hit and miss, the performers I saw honestly put a lot of effort into it. I'd recommend attending if for absolutely no other reason than it's different, really really really [ad infinitum] different.